Mother's Day

Up until the birth of my daughter, I truly believed I was at an extreme advantage because I am a woman. I completely recognize the rights for which women before me fought, I understand we are still grossly underpaid in the workforce, and I believe pap smears are still a way to oppress women. But, for me, it seems as though being a woman is advantageous.

While I can't exactly point to specific examples, except one time I shamelessly flirted with an I.T. guy to get some software updates no one else had, in general, I've ridden the wave of the women before me who gave me the right to vote, reproductive rights, domestic violence protection, maternity leave, the Vagina Monologues and Midol.

So when Jim and I decided to try for a baby, I didn't think much about the threat to my role as an empowered woman. I am married to a very progressive and understanding man who I know would have rather carried the baby so as not to see me puke for 9 solid months. We had a plan in place so that I would be able to carry on with my degree and my professional life after the child was born, and I knew we'd share parenthood 50/50.

Then came the truth that we would need a bit of help making a baby. I had to do a series of transvaginal ultrasounds (you know they put a condom on the wand, right?), blood work, medication, hormone shots and lots and lots of peeing on sticks. Jim only had to do one fun activity, by himself, at home during lunch and carry the finished product into a lab on his way back to work. Our journey with fertility was short and painless relative to many of my friends who've gone the distance with things like this, but still. My lady parts are wonky and I need help, being a woman.

But I felt powerful during pregnancy. Robust, beautiful, strong. In childbirth I felt determined. And when she came out, all bright eyed and curious, I felt invincible.

But not since that moment have I felt anything but defensive. Attacked. Exahusted. And pissy.

No other role in my life has threatened my sence of female empowerment like motherhood. As a child I had the benefit of liberal parents and my mother is the epitome of empowered. As a student, women are the majority so I never felt at a disadvantage. As a professor, I know I can connect to my female students through empathy and engage my male students with humor. As a wife, I've become a partner with a man who wants me to have more degrees and make more money than him, god willing, and he almost never bitches when I forget to shave my legs.

But as mother? Jesus Christ.

I had no idea the level of animosity women have toward other women. This doesn't mean men aren't also a problem. When I hear of a man having an opinion about natural childbirth, I want to rip out an ovary and throw it at the son of a bitch. But women are truly women's worst enemy.

One time in the 6th grade, a classmate of mine came up to me during lunch, and, in front of a large group of people said, "Meg, you already wore that outfit this week."

That's motherhood. Another female telling you, you are doing it wrong. And you dress badly.

When did this breastfeeding, attachment parenting, sleep scheduling, co-sleeping, vaccination refusaling, baby-led weening, formula-feeding, baby-wearing, stay-at-homing, day-caring, private-schooling, natural-birthing, epiduraling, Time Magazining bullshit become the only f**king thing women can talk about?

Is this all we are as a gender? Mothers? Bitchy mothers? And if so, are we saying there's only one way to be a mother? And your way is wrong?

There are people out there that neglect their children. Beat them. Ignore them. Hate them. Put cigarettes out on their face. Lock them in closets. Kill them. Those are bad mothers. Not the mothers who at least love their children and try their best. But if we as mothers continue to think we have it all figured out, we are going to destroy our place in society as women.

We aren't fighting against men anymore. We are fighting against each other. And we are going to destroy our chances at being leaders in the world if all we do is tear each other down. Who gives a shit about equal pay when you are making the woman sitting next to you at the doctor's office feel badly for using a pacifier on her 5 year old? When we act like this, it speaks volumes about our function as a gender.

So stop it.

Besides my husband, my father and my brother, I'd like to get back to thinking men are the enemy. I'd like to hate men again for making more than I do, for not having periods, for looking good in bike helmets, for not having to sacrifice their jobs for their children, for not worrying about body image and for not having to fight for, really, anything at all.

So, women, make that happen.

Mother's Day shouldn't just be about honoring your mother who gave so much of herself to help you grow. But to back the f**k off all the other mother's out there you think you might be defeating. And get back to the good fight: against men.

Happy Mother's Day to you.
You are doing everything right.